the becoming

i think, in the last episode of greys anatomy, i was meredith gray.

ive always been a fan of same sex love (Go California), but.. the whole story of dying before confessing love, and being open about who you love was just so universally true. whether we're scared to tell because we're scared of what society thinks, or we're scared of what our friends or parents will think, or worst, of what the person we love thinks, i think the most foolish reason to deny yourself love, is fear.

im a hypocrite. lets confess in the beginning. i like a boy, who lives down my road. ive liked him for four years now, and i will never have the guts to tell him. in my little closed up bubble i rely on tv and internet and movies and books, to help me forget. and it works really well.most of the time.

until john mayer sings "say".. and two soldiers are seperated forever before one could accept himself. and ... a hundred examples like it.

im fine until i realize that how much ever i watch ugly betty and gossip girl to escape reality, everyone is going through the same thing. and sometimes i have a good day and i forget about it. and i convince myself that im fine.

and then sometimes, the therapist on greys anatomy, looks deep into my soul, and calls me what i really am. a coward.